Newlyweds

Well, since Xanga has been firewalled at work, I'm going to hope that perhaps it will take them longer to catch up with Blogger as it is associated with Google... and who blocks Google?!

I haven't been xanga-ing much lately... a lot of what is going on in my head is more journal-appropriate than blog-appropriate. But, I'm going to make a fresh attempt at cataloging what goes on in my head. You know, the whole getting married, turning over a new leaf, that sort of thing. What better way to kick off our new life together than to start a new blog?

Life since the wedding has been nothing short of incredible. (Sometimes good, sometimes not quite as good, hehe.) We had a blast in Boston for our honeymoon and spent a few days at home, nesting, before putting our noses back to the grind. Doing life with Hubby is a pretty neat experience so far. I am so blessed by him, and at the same time I feel I am being stretched. Living with someone, serving someone, cleaning up after someone 24-7 really reveals the sinfulness in me, and some days I handle that better than others. But I thank God for this little trick called "sanctification", because each annoyance, each time I change my heart -- or at least my reaction -- brings me one baby step closer to being more like Christ. This is not a rant against Hubby in any way; this is the natural result of two sinful human beings existing -- living, even -- in close proximity.

It's tough... allowing myself to be changed. I have this mindset that humbling myself to the point of a complete heart change will make me weak, vulnerable, and completely not in control. But, I think that's the point: I like calling the shots. I like feeling like I have some say in what happens to me. I have a terrible fear of the unknown: this includes lack of control, becoming something/someone I can't influence.

You know what gets me the most? When I'm frustrated about something I shouldn't be frustrated about. This makes me even more frustrated. I see the sinfulness in myself, I know it's there, and I can't fix it. It reminds me of Paul in the book of Romans:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. (Rom. 7:15-20)

It's kind of depressing, but I love that in the next few verses, Paul reveals the solution for this confusion and frustration:

What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Rom. 7:24-25)

This is what gives me hope when I feel like life is too much for me, and I thank the Lord for the good days, the days where I am able to recognize God's hand in my life through my husband and my own sanctification.